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At age 86, while still of sound mind, my mother called me from NY State to come home and help her take care of all her final arrangements. She was a strong woman, highly opinionated and one who always knew what she wanted. The call came as no surprise, perhaps at a slightly inconvenient time. Then again maybe there is perfect time to handle these kinds of things. The idea of driving eight hours to plan your mother’s funeral was not exactly and event I was looking forward to.

When I got to her apartment she had everything written down for me to follow to the letter. The next day I took her list to the funeral home that she requested and I set up a meeting with one of the owners. It was a strange feeling that day. We used to live directly across the street when I was in Jr. High School. As a newspaper delivery boy the funeral home was on my route and they always gave me a big tip for the holidays.

My mother did not want a showing, she did not want to spend anymore than required by law for a burial vault or casket. This was to be the ultimate no frills funeral.

I had no idea how upset all this would make the funeral director. He tried to humiliate me into upgrading all of her requests. He came just short of calling me a worthless no good money grubbing son for not having more respect for my mother. How could any loving son do such a terrible deed to his own mother? I won’t bore you with all the sales ploys used to change my mind.

Interesting, but when my dad suddenly passed away, I had to make all these decisions in 24 hours or less in midst of grief and a overwhelming sense of loss. To say that I was of no sound mind to make these decisions was an understatement. I am sure the funeral director put the same guilt trip on me as I responded to all of his suggestions to do the “right things” and give my dad a burial that everyone would respect.

In retrospect, having been through both situations regarding the handling of final arrangements I have to lean heavily on the side of pre-planning in the cool of the day with a sound mind vs. making critical decision is the face of monumental grief I have a less than favorable opinion of the funeral directors who shamefully prey on the emotions of people in distress. Unfortunately the funeral industry is no different than most other sales organizations in that they will use any advantage they can to hawk their wares.

I am sure there are many well meaning funeral directors and their sale organizations out there that do not use these techniques. Based on my personal experience, I would not be surprised to learn that my experience was not that unusual. I would love to hear what others would have to share regarding their own experiences in similar situations.

To end the story my mother died approximately a year later. Her instructions were followed to the letter and I am at peace that her final wishes were carried out the way she wanted them to be rather than what a funeral director tried to foist on the family to make an extra buck.